A South Carolina woman who gouged out her own green eyes last month in a drug-fueled haze says she “convinced myself that meth would bring me even closer to God.”
VIDEO: Kaylee Muthart recalls the night she gouged out her eyes with her own hands and why she’s actually grateful it happened since she can no longer score drugs.
Kaylee Muthart, 20, recounts her descent from National Honor Society member in Anderson, S.C., to high school dropout and methamphetamine user in an as-told-to article in Cosmopolitan magazine.
That path took her from using marijuana to taking ecstasy to smoking, then shooting, meth. Her mother was trying to get her involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility on Feb. 6, when Muthart’s world went dark.
That morning, after shooting up a large dose of meth the previous night, Muthart says she was hallucinating as she stumbled along a railroad track. Everything seemed dark and gloomy, she says, except for a white bird she believed she saw on a light post.
“I believed what was happening was real. I saw a dove,” Muthart told the Anderson Independent Mail. “It was a memory of something beautiful, a white bird in the light.”
In Cosmo, Muthart describes her rationale for what she did next.
“It was then I remember thinking that someone had to sacrifice something important to right the world, and that person was me,” she says in the article. “I thought everything would end abruptly, and everyone would die, if I didn’t tear out my eyes immediately. I don’t know how I came to that conclusion, but I felt it was, without doubt, the right, rational thing to do immediately.”
Muthart describes plunging her fingers into her eye sockets and pulling her eyeballs out, saying “it felt like a massive struggle, the hardest thing I ever had to do.” The drugs numbed the pain, she says.
A pastor and others outside a nearby chapel that caters to the homeless, addicted and needy found Muthart kneeling and screaming, eyeballs in her hands.